6:00 P.M. - Opening prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 P.M. - Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 P.M. - Ceremonial Burning of the Bill of Rights and the Constitution (excluding the Second Amendment)
6:45 P.M. - Salute to the "Coalition of the Willing"
6:46 P.M. - Seminar 1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"
7:30 P.M. - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan
7:35 P.M. - Trent Lott - "Resegregation in the 21st Century"
7:40 P.M. - EPA Address 1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"
8:00 P.M. - Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 P.M. - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 P.M. - John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"
8:30 P.M. - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)
8:50 P.M. - Seminar 2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"
9:00 P.M. - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 P.M. - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"
9:10 P.M. - EPA Address 2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"
9:30 P.M. - Break for secret meetings
10:00 P.M. - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 P.M. - Carl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"
10:30 P.M. - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho Even When You Feel Squishy Inside"
10:35 P.M. - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 P.M. - John Ashcroft demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt
10:45 P.M. - GOP's tribute to tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice
10:46 P.M. - Ann Coulter's tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"
10:50 P.M. - Seminar 3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"
11:10 P.M. - Hilary Clinton Piqata
11:20 P.M. - John Ashcroft lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"
11:30 P.M. - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 P.M. - Blame Clinton
11:40 P.M. - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"
11:41 P.M. - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore
11:50 P.M. - Closing prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 Mid - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord